My Reflection: You’ve let yourself go, Ani.
Me: I have. I know. I don’t know what happened.
R: It was somewhere between you turning 25 and your boyfriend fattening you up with food fried in butter.
M: But, it’s delicious. And he orders takeaways!
R: And now you’re a fatty.
M: 
R: Why don’t you go to the gym?
M: Because I’m lazy. Also, because I went for 2 months straight and I swear my ass has gotten rounder and my bingo wings flabbier since going.
R: You must be doing it wrong. User error.
M: *holds up arms and wobbles flabby triceps
R: L-O-L! Look at those babies go.
M: *turns sideways, sucks stomach in
R: See, you wouldn’t look fat if you had big boobies. It’s a rule that I just made up that your stomach should never stick out further than your tits. Yours does.
M: But that’s my small tits’ fault…
R: Maybe you should just learn to suck in all the time. Or wear one of those beige sausage skins that old ladies wear. That’d be so fucking hot.
M: *looks down at dimpled, veiny thighs
R: You should save up and get some laser surgery. Or a tan. Actually, you’re never going to get a tan. You live in Manchester! And you’re broke!
M: *wobbles ass at mirror
R: Well, hey. He likes that, doesn’t he?
Forget the gym. Jog. Jog as long as your joints play along. Daily. Even in shitty weather. Just 15-20 minutes so you work out a good sweat and get this “I have worked for my dinner today” feeling. Be sure to buy shoes from somebody who sells to professional athletes. Do 5 pushups every time you enter or leave the room. Cut back on fat if you like, no more whole milk, better soy. Buy something you really want to wear, but buy it 1size smaller than you need.
And, most importantly, decide that you rule over the shape of your body, and that you want it changed.
Actually, I have cut back on drinking tea because I think milk (even though it’s skim) makes me feel bloated. I’m drinking herbal teas mostly now.
The problem is really that:
a) I’m fucking lazy
b) I only sort of care that I look a bit dumpy
c) I know my boyfriend wouldn’t dump me unless I got REALLY, OBSCENELY fat.
My body has changed for baby making. I’m serious. It’s all weird and it’s freaking me out.
a) I thought you had plenty of this thing called attitude
b) go to one of those nightclubs that you hate for the superficial bitches shakinig their equipment there. See if it helps. Otherwise, try the swimmingpool or other places where people might stare and point at you.
c) he’s a keeper, congrats
As for the baby-making, feel free, but you don’t want to look like this afterwards, do you?
http://www.pbs.org/kratts/world/oceans/walrus/
that very was funny! however, now i am not so sure i want to purchase a talking mirror.
My mirror is never that polite.
In my head, you’ll always be a skinny wench