Rants

Rants / Travel — 3 Comments
24
Dec 10

New Zealand is not a magical place

I come across these types of news articles regularly and every time I think, “Are you fucking stupid?”

When I was traveling overseas, and even when I’m just at home in NZ, I would never think about leaving a good chunk of my life’s possessions in the back of a car. That’s just asking for trouble. Do tourists think that New Zealand is a magical place with elves and orcs, and zero thieves? Sadly, our little country is just another country, and not protected by God no matter how many times we sing our national anthem.

Tourists should take a bit of personal responsibility and not expect that things that are a bit sucky and commonplace throughout the world could never possibly happen here.

Maybe we should sing God Defend New Zealand one more time just to be sure!

Celebrity Nose Jobs

During the nightly internet browse this evening I came across a photo of Kate Winslet that blew my mind a little. I have always thought she was quite beautiful, and what I loved about her was that she seemed natural. Not fake and ridiculous like Jordans and the Lohans or the Madonnas; a natural beauty. So I was rather shocked to find out that she, amongst almost every beautiful female celebrity it would seem, is fake. Almost all of them are a slightly refined and better looking version of themselves. Fraudulent, you might say.

I’m not really sure what to make of this phenomenon. Sure, we expect celebrities to be super fine and better looking than the rest of us mere mortals, but what does it mean if none of them are natural? What is this saying to women and girls the world over? Does this not set impossible standards that people will try to reach thinking they are achievable just by buying some celebrity endorsed products? And more importantly, will they be paying for their kids to have nose jobs when they grow up so they look more like their parents?

So here’s a list of celebrity nose jobs that you probably didn’t even know had had nose jobs*. The scary thing is they almost all have the same nose.

Kate Winslet

Homely to beautiful in just one quick and easy step.

Scarlett Johansson

It could be she grew into her nose, but shit, that’s a whole lot of growing she must have done.

Giselle

Even the world’s most beautiful woman needs a bit o’ refining.

Angelina Jolie

No wonder she’s so beautiful, she’s carved out by an artist!

Jennifer Connelly

She was so awesome in Labyrinth. Now she just has a sharper nose.

Gwen Stefani

This makes sense. I never remembered Gwen Stefani being that attractive, but now she is. New nose.

Jennifer Aniston

Even though everyone knows Ms Aniston had a nose job, I had to include this purely as an example as the best and most subtle celebrity nose job ever.

Megan Fox

You can’t have a slight bump! IT MUST BE PERFECT.

Halle Berry

If she wasn’t famous I’m sure no one from her high school would recognise her if they passed her in the street.

Winona Ryder

Oh yeah, she’s heaps hotter.

Jennifer Lopez

Once Jenny from the block, now she’s Jenny with a better nose.

Salma Hayek

There was nothing wrong with it in the first place. It made her distinctive. Now she looks like at least 10 other girls.

Keira Knightley

WTF happened here?! Half her nose has disappeared.

Natalie Portman

And the finale, every man’s favourite natural-looking fakey, Natalie Portman.

* Allegedly. I take no responsibility for celebrities who use contouring like there’s not goddamn tomorrow.

Rants — 13 Comments
22
Apr 10

A Complaint to Orcon Internet

Phone and internet services in New Zealand have always been a bit of a joke. We pay some of the highest prices in the world and receive, as most countries do, pretty terrible customer service.

Over the past two years, I have been trying to sort out my phone and internet problems. I’ve always had a crackle on the line and after calling pretty regularly it had still never been solved. I would call, stuff would happen, it would seem to fix itself for a week, then I’d have to reboot constantly for a couple of months until I got so annoyed again I would call, when it wouldn’t get fixed again. It has been a very frustrating 2 years. The problem, however, is that if I change to another company my lines are still maintained by the same company – Chorus, who are a subsidiary of Telecom New Zealand. So I am basically held to ransom, as it doesn’t really matter who you go with – firstly you will also have your lines serviced by the same company no matter what, and seeing how they are all about as bad as each other it feels like you have no choice.

I wrote the below letter to Orcon two weeks ago, and today got a voicemail saying they had decided to give me “a nice wee credit” of $45. Considering I pay about $110 per month, that is not even a 2% credit. I also work my time out to be worth at least $50 an hour, and if you add up all the hours I have wasted that I will never get back, it is hardly “a nice wee credit”. It’s an insult. When I called back to say I was unhappy with how small the credit was, I was informed in not so many words that it was my fault for not calling as often as I should have. (Apparently I let the problem go uncomplained about for 8-months the last time, which is also untrue. Therefore the fact that I had basically resigned the fact that they were never going to fix it meant the line fault was entirely my own.)

So now I am left feeling very angry, and defeated at the same time. I would suggest boycotting Orcon, but who else is there to go with?

RE: Call FNH452*** and all other calls related to account “******” (probably about 3,000)

To Whom It May Concern,

Firstly, let me start off by saying it is not easy to make a complaint to Orcon. If you search for “complaint” on your website you get a few links, one of which takes you to one of two terms and conditions pages that you have online, for some unknown reason, which then takes you to a 404 for “disputes resolution”.

http://www.orcon.net.nz/about/page/terms_and_conditions/
http://www.orcon.net.nz/disputes_resolution/

Now, on to my actual complaint. Where do I start? I guess from the start. The only problem is that the start is almost two years ago. Two years I hear you say? (I would hope.) Yes, that is how long I have been calling your call centre with the same issue. Over and over and over and over and over and over. It’s been so long I can hardly even remember all my communications.

When I first moved into my house, almost two years ago, I signed up to Orcon on your then-new unbundled plan. It took about 1 or 2 weeks to get installed past the expected install date, but hey, no problem – that’s how all telecos work, right? Ever since it was connected I have been calling to complain about crackling on the line. So often do I call that I know your number off by heart. 0800 thirteen fourteen fifteen! I think I might have been put through to Tier 2 maybe twice. I have had no more than three technicians come to my house and never actually fix the problem. A technician was sent out for the original crackly line issue, but I don’t believe he found the problem. I also called about problems with my connection dropping all the time, which I always said to your Tier 1 guys that I thought it was connected to the crackly line. Ever time I would call, I would have to go through the same palava – reboot, isolate, change cables, change modem, change filters, change socket – however I didn’t have another socket to test with. I was never offered to have a modem sent out for me to test with. Two years later I still have a crackly line and a connection that constantly drops.

About two weeks ago the problems started annoying me again. I was sick of rebooting my modem a few times a day and logged a new call. For some reason this time I decided I was going to rehunt in the house to find a spare phone jack and try connecting the modem there, because I could no longer get any connection at all, not even about 10 modem reboots. As luck would have it, I found one hidden behind a piece of furniture and with the handiness of an extension cable I was able to plug the modem in.

GUESS WHAT?!

It connected straight away, first time. So I called back to Tier 1 for complaint 2,999 to say I, as an experienced telephone technician, have isolated the problem and it is a faulty telephone jack and could they please send someone out to fix it. This was arranged and last week a technician came around and “fixed it”. I put this in quotes because not only is it not fixed but I don’t know what the technician did as the piece of paper he filled out he managed to not actually put in the letter box properly and it fell out, got rained on and fell to pieces. I was also not called to explain the resolution.

Getting back to my problem tonight. I come home and once again the modem won’t connect and the phone line is really crackly. I move it to the secret jack location and lo and behold it works! It’s almost like magic but not. In fact it is just that Orcon are so terribly inept that you:

a) can’t figure out what the problem is;
b) have to get your user, who pays you for support, to figure it out themselves;
c) have to be told what the problem is by your user;
d) don’t fix the problem when you send technicians around;
e) do not follow up complaints with resolutions or explanations;
f) continue to charge me full price for this amazing service.

Please remedy this IMMEDIATELY. I am sick of waiting and sick of paying for sub par service. To be honest, at this stage I’m on the verge of moving to your competitors but seeing how you got Telecom to “fix” my jack point that really wouldn’t solve my problem anyway, would it?

Yours sincerely,
Ani Moller
Sounding like a cracked record since 2008

I suppose at least after two years the issue finally appears to be resolved. However, that doesn’t really feel like much of a success.

Lists / Rants / Technology — No Comments
26
Apr 09

Things you can’t do on dial-up

View any page mere seconds after clicking a link
Look at friends’ drunken antics via Facebook photo
Watch YouTube videos
Load email using GMail’s standard view
Download an illegal movie
Masturbate and download porn at the same time
Not get frustrated (see above)
Not throw the computer out the window
Whoops, sorry Mum – GET BROADBAND

How is it that anyone is still on dial-up? What is the point of the internet without broadband? Why even own a computer?

So many questions…

Life / Rants — 2 Comments
27
Jan 08

Largely, People Are Retards.

The other day on my way home from work, I was waiting at an intersection for the green man to give me permission to cross. It was rush hour and people were trying to squeeze the most out of the amber lights as possible, which of course means cars stuck across the intersection when the light finally turns red. A woman had stopped her car right on the crossing in front of me, with some cars pulling up behind her. A guy on the other side of the road sensed she wouldn’t be moving, and as the green man flashed at us he proceeded to cross behind her stuck car. At this moment, she suddenly started reversing without checking her mirrors, almost hitting the guy crossing. He jumped back and then walked in front of the car, as he probably should have in the first instance, although this would have put him right in the intersection where cars were turning. As I pass, I look at her, point at the man, and mouth, “You almost hit that man.” She obviously wasn’t trained in the art of lip-reading, so she wound her window down to talk to me. I walked over and repeated, “You almost hit that man.” She looked at me and said, “Yeah…well?”

Yeah, well?!

“Yeah, well, that would have sucked. The nightmares and demerit points would have sucked too!”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t and even though I am a stupid driver I’m okay until the next time! Praise the Lord!”
“Yeah, well, did you hear that joke about the pope and the donkey? Hi-larious!”

Yeah, well, you are a retard.

Life / Rants — 2 Comments
22
Jan 08

Holy Mother of God, I Found a Grey Hair

Nine days before my 28th birthday, today, I finally located what I had believed to be a grey hair, one I thought I had been seeing for a few weeks. At first, when the fluorescent bathroom lights at work made the colour-void strand gleam I thought I was mistaken. I thought, perhaps it was actually a blonde hair lightened by the summer sun even though my hair is actually brown. I thought, perhaps it was just the blindingly white overhead lights playing tricks on my eyes. Then I thought, shit, perhaps I actually have a grey hair. So every day after washing my hands, I searched for the little bugger. And what happens when you look for things? You find things. And I have found my first grey hair.

After finding My First Grey Hair, the first thing I did was ask my boyfriend if he would still love me if I had grey hairs. He said yes, but of course he isnt going to say no. There is a chance that on the inside he is thinking, Oh shit, my girlfriend is getting old, I really hope she starts dying her hair soon. The only problem with that is I really like the colour of my hair. The brilliant beauty of my brown hair that sometimes shines blonde and sometimes shines red and seems to have natural highlights and lowlights can not be reproduced in a bottle. Nor will it be able to be reproduced by paying someone I cant see with my glasses off many, many dollars many, many times a year. Just thinking about the cost and time it would take to start dying my hair to cover grey makes me immediately think of all the shiny, new things I could buy instead like one-third of a Nikon D300. Once I start dying my hair, what comes next? Botox? Chemical peels? Expensive shoes to draw attention away from my hair?

So here I am, nine days before my 28th birthday, with a grey hair on the top of my head. I have not pulled it out, and I have not decided if I am going to dye my hair. Instead, I am going to reflect upon this glorious aging process for a little while longer, and thank Christ my boobs are still pert.

For a bit longer at least.

Guest Writers / Rants — 2 Comments
18
Oct 07

Workmates = Retards

Intern Tui here again.

As a rule, all workmates tend to be retarded. But my god, I have one in particular who manages to rub me so far up the wrong way my hair stands on end just at the thought of him.

Now, I have a thing with personal space. As a general rule, unless I know you well it makes me very uncomfortable when people come into my personal space. My lovely workmate, lets call him Bob, seems to be the complete opposite in regard to this. I kid you not, he will come up to your desk and stand less than 30cm away and then bend down so that his face is within centimeters of yours and will proceed to breathe his rotten coffee breath all over you whilst asking you questions that someone who gets paid twice as much as you should not need to ask.

As if his bad breath isn’t enough to make you recoil in disgust when you are near him, I used to be lucky enough to sit next to him and at frequent intervals throughout the day my nostrils would be invaded with his farts wafting by my desk. These farts are a result of him drinking at least 5 cups of instant coffee, a can of coke plus some sort of lovely unhealthy concoction for lunch per day.

He’s one of those people that looks like he never spends any time outside, instead I am 99% sure he spends all his time at home in front of his computer looking up dirty internet sites. My conclusion of him looking at dirty sites is by no means unfounded as a.) every time “Boobs on Bikes” are in town, he mysteriously disappears for a few hours and then comes back and tries to do a very poor cover up by complaining of all the “silly people watching the parade blocking his walk to the shops” and b.) I was fortunate enough to mistakenly found smutty photos on his c drive while doing a search for work related files (what kind of person has porn on their work computer?!).

For someone who gets paid as well as he does you would expect that he was enthusiastic about his job and really put in the hard yards to earn his salary. Not Bob, he skives off work at any chance he can get. For example, if everyone senior to him has left for the afternoon he will sneak off and get the early bus home. He also keeps his own tally of his sick days taken to ensure every sick day he is allowed is used up before his year anniversary rolls over. God forbid he would actually miss out on using every last one of them up. I think in the first six months that he has been at my work, he had taken more sick days than I have taken in my 3 years that I’d been there. He actually averages about one sick day a month. That is one sickly guy right there.

A few more lovely habits of his are; standing at your desk tapping his pen constantly while he talks to you, going and gazing out the window for minutes on end in order to have less work time, saying he is going out for a “quick sandwich” and not returning until hours later and leaving between 15 and 20 minutes early most days. Anyway, you get the general idea.

And just to prove that I’m not a completely irrational person who judges people unfairly, I asked another workmate (a non retarded one) to describe in one sentence what they truly thought of Bob. This is what they said: “Bob is a sly, weird behaving and looking creature with disgusting eating habits, weird sense of humor and the smelliest breath I have ever smelt.”

Life / Lists / Rants — 11 Comments
30
Sep 06

Motherfucker: A Rant In The Usual List Format

Earlier this morning while riding my scooter, I almost got hit by a car attempting to run a red light. I also got cut off last weekend. I don’t want to die while riding my Vespa, but I guess, seeing how I now have my new Momo helmet at least I’ll look fucking good when I splat on the road.
The tailor I was recommended managed to hem my $600 jeans to the wrong length. Thankfully it was too long but when you’re reattaching hems; i.e., cutting off the leg and reattaching the hem rather than hemming from the bottom, you don’t have much room for error.
I saw Coldcut last night with P. It was at the State Opera House and I was expecting it to be awesome like Shapeshifter last week. Sadly, it wasn’t. Pitch Black were pretty damn good, but the entire thing was so unbelieveably loud my ears weren’t ringing – they were just aching. I had to beg a stewardess for ear plugs (like they sell them at the Opera House!) and my ears were still hurting through them. Coldcut have now surpassed Soundgarden in 1996 as the loudest concert I’ve ever been to.
This list is in order of annoyance.

Rants — 11 Comments
27
Jul 06

Unsent Work Emails

Dear Facilities Manager,

A few weeks ago, the landlord changed their bathroom products supplier. Where once we had plush 2-ply toilet paper, we now have 1-ply see-through newsprint-esque sandpaper to wipe our asses with. It really hurts my fanny. I discussed it with the girl I sit next to and she said her fanny hurts too. We would really appreciate it if you could ask them supply us with something that doesn’t cause obvious health and safety issues.

Kind regards,
Ani Moller

Rants — 8 Comments
9
May 06

Intellectual Property on C4

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me, the host of Intellectual Property, some bint called Camilla, is not only a terrible music show host but has the single most annoying voice on television.

Ani MollerOne o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock rock